Loss

So, back in 2002 and again in 2004 I suffered the loss of two pieces of my heart. For some reason, that I will never understand, Heavenly Father decided that their spirits needed to return/remain in heaven with Him. Just months after losing these two spirits, I was blessed with my two beautiful children. I know it was all part of His plan. I know that there is a reason why Alana and Brayden are here and the other two are in heaven waiting for me. I don't know what that reason is, nor would I want to know if I had the opportunity to learn it. I think some things are better left beyond the veil.

In this unknown, I have still missed them terribly. At times, it is so much harder than at other times. I read a book recently called Gone Too Soon that my "second mom" gave to me, she herself suffering the loss of two children, and her daughter, one of my best friends, also suffering a loss. The difference? My "mom"s loss and mine were miscarriages. We never met or held our babies. My friend did. How heart wrenching for her, her husband, her daughter....everyone that loves them. But reading that book made me realize that our loss is the same. We both were left asking why at times, because it is the human thing to do. We both were left with feelings of how unfair it was because our children should be here with us, again because we are human. Our faith helped get us through, our friends and family, they helped get us through, but we are still human and we still mourn our loss. Gone Too Soon also taught me that it is okay to still mourn if it feels necessary and that NO ONE can tell me not to. It is my right as a mother, a daughter, a friend, an aunt, a cousin...anyone...ANYONE can mourn these losses, at anytime. In the book it also said that whatever feels appropriate to mourn, whether its journaling, therapy, naming the children, burying them, even in the case of a miscarriage and having a service, these are all appropriate ways to mourn.

I have struggled with my mourning lately. A LOT. I think it is because of the health issues I am having (regarding fertility). It has brought a lot of emotions to the forefront, including missing my babies I lost. So, I decided to name them. I talked to Tim about it and tried to get his input on names, but I think his mourning is different and it wasn't something that was at the forefront for him and he was okay with me deciding. So, we have 4 children. Ernie, Alana, Penny and Brayden.

Ernie and I had a VERY special experience in the temple after he returned to Heavenly Father. I saw him, dressed in a red and blue striped shirt...he looked right at me and said, I'm okay mommy, and went on his way beyond the veil. Penny...she and I didn't have an experience like that. She came as feelings and thoughts and in my dreams. Every time I would think of this baby
I would get the image of a little girl with copper red hair. So Penny it is!

There is a group I have joined/become aware of via facebook that is all about Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness. Every year on October 15th, they celebrate and remember those children, those lives, those spirits. They have merchandise you can purchase to remember your babies...here is what I have found that love:

Maybe someday I will own one or both of these and wear them proudly to remember and honor my Ernie and Penny. For now, they are in my hearts and I will NEVER forget them. I am honored to be their mother and look forward to the day when I will get to see them again and take them in my arms and never have to let them go again.